Meanest Mom Ever
Growing up I used to think my mom was the meanest mom around. I'd say, "You are the meanest mom ever!!!" and she'd say, "Yep, I am. But I still love you." I'd fume off angry as could be. How dare she agree with me! And how dare she admit to being such a mean mom AND tell me she loved me!
Of course as I look back on my childhood it wasn't a matter of her being mean, it was a matter of her keeping my best interests in mind. She wouldn't tolerate disrespect. And she always kept her word. When I was punished for a week, I was punished for a week...no more and no less. My mom did not tolerate any lax in my schoolwork either. If I was struggling in a certain subject, it was up to me to bring my grades up by studying harder, or suffer the consequences. If the teachers reported I was doing my best and giving it my all, then my parents were proud because of my efforts to do my very best. But if I didn't do my best, the consequences were firm and (looking back on it) deserved.
My parents were also extremely loving and affectionate parents. When I succeeded, they let me know how proud there were of me and gave me tons of positive reinforcement. I had no doubt in my mind my parents were there for me. If I ever had a problem or a situation, I could go to them. To this day, they continue to be here for me showing pride or, when I've needed it, a lecture on how I could handle things differently. I think very highly of both my mom and my dad.
I see now the benefit of having guidelines for our children of what we do and don't expect from them. My parents did me a bigger favor than I ever could have imagined. I was raised with placing high values on education. I was taught consequences of not following directions. It turns out my parents set an extraordinary model for me to follow.
I expect much of my children including respect, keeping up their grades and strict curfews. If they don't follow these, they receive punishments. And they know when they get a punishment, I am not changing my mind about it. I admit, I am a very strict mom, but I'm also extremely loving and close to my children. Anytime they need to talk, I'm here for them. They trust me that I will listen and give them the best advice possible. I celebrate the positive moments with them and condemn the negative.
These things I was so used to doing with my own 4 children turned out to be harder than expected with my step-children. As of right now, Donny and I have his children 1st, 3rd and 5th weekends and Thursday evenings, considerably less time than their mother. I've hit a snag when it comes to teaching them the values I feel are so vital to raising these children to be productive adults.
First of all, the time we have with them is so little for all we need to teach them. Secondly they were raised differently than I raised my own even though Donny and I have similar values. Thirdly, our house is so utterly different than the environment they experience at their mom's. I suppose many step-parents run into this issue, especially when they have children of their own.
We can punish my step-daughters for having low grades and not trying, but only for 2 days before they are back in their mom's environment. We can set guidelines and boundaries, but my step-daughters know once they are out of our environment all that stuff goes out the window. This has been harder than I ever imagined. I've come to the realization all I can do is treat my step-daughters the way I treat my own ... love them with all my heart and soul and teach them high morals and values while they are in our presence. In the same respect, I will not tolerate being disrespected, nor will I tolerate lack of effort or flat-out refusal to do what is required of them while they are in our home. This has not gone over well with my step-daughters, but in the end I know they will benefit from it just like I have.
As I'm putting the kids to bed tonight I made it to what my husband and I call "The Girls' Room." Ashleigh (my 5-year-old) and Reagan and Haley (my 10-year-old step-daughters) were getting settled in to bed and doing their usual fussing at each other as to who is being the loudest, who left the light on, etc. I shushed them all and let them know the next person that talked would go to bed earlier the next night. One of my step-daughters says to me, "You are the meanest mom ever." I smiled and replied, "Maybe, but I still love you."
I can only hope that what comes around goes around!
Comments